Carry Me Home
by WritingBlues404
Summary: Post episode 22. After returning home from the expedition outside the walls, there's a lot on Levi's mind, especially one woman in particular who has died. Levi expresses his pain the only way he knows how - by himself. A short drabble.


Author's Note: Because episode 22 wasn't sad enough.

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**Carry Me Home**

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A cold and unforgiving night settled upon the residence that lay dormant inside Wall Rose. The aura of mourning radiated from certain households as they tried to stifle their hysterical cries. Earlier that day, some of the town members were able to witness the return of the Survey Corps. members. Some were excited to see the familiar faces of family in the line of soldiers; while others screamed and shouted at their small number. "Why are we sending our men out to fight when they only become food for those monsters," one man shouted.

"Where is my son," a woman wailed next.

"Have we learned nothing yet? How many more lives do you plan on sacrificing, Captain?" A grief-stricken man declared above the rest. "When will enough _be enough_?" The surrounding citizens broke out in a roar. The crying and the mourning rose in volume until it was almost deafening to the injured and defeated soldiers. "Enough is enough," they chanted in anger. They raised their fists to the air, as if to threaten the Survey Corps. with violence if they ever wanted to attempt another expedition outside the walls.

Another woman screeched, "You will not take my daughter!"

"You will not have my son!"

"My family is starving to death because we haven't any money, and yet you expect us to pay so the titans can eat?!"

The noises swirled together like metal in a blender – yet the soldiers pressed onwards. They did not say a word, they did not defend themselves. They all looked solemnly at the stone road and lead their tired horses home.

Everything was going as it normally did, so it made no significant impact to some of the team members. Especially for one man, whose seemingly blank expression never faltered during this green mile. That is, until, the smiling face of a deceased team member's father broke from the crowd and raced to his side. "Captain Levi," he began, brandishing a white envelope from his pocket, "my daughter is in your squad. I'm Petra's father."

And he listened to the older man's ramblings without uttering a sound.

It wasn't easy.

It was never easy.

But this time around, it was ten times harder.

And as night fell upon the broken and pitiful city, so fell the broken and pitiful Captain.

All was quiet for a while. The sun had set behind the distant mountains, and those with missing family members were being consoled by their equally heartbroken counterparts. Fireflies lit up and faded away within a moment's time, beetles sang their nightly tunes, and ever so slowly did the town finally settle down for rest.

Although, there was no rest for a certain male. Instead of retiring to a warm bed after a hot meal, this soldier roamed the city at an ungodly hour. His composure was all but normal. He walked as if there was an earthquake below his feet; he wobbled and stumbled, hiccupped and swore. The light red tinting his cheeks spoke of a not-so humble activity he partook in. But at that moment, he didn't care.

Upon reaching his destination, Levi stalked up the small set of concrete steps and pushed open the wooden double doors with more force than necessary. The smell that was emitted from inside this public building was reminiscent to a stale, abandoned house. Dust littered the walls and window sills, matching the stone floors. The moon produced the only light that illuminated the surrounding space, casting different colored shadows as it shone through the stained glass windows.

Levi walked down the narrow isle in between the rows of wooden benches that never seemed to end. And when he finally reached his goal, the inebriated man glared coldly at the enormous picture hanging a few feet behind the stone alter in the front of the room.

The dingy, framed picture was of that of a man with long, brown hair and a warm smile. His dark eyes showed no signs of fear or hate or anxiety – just pure love. The religious figure stared up towards the sky and even though the picture was torn and faded with years of use, that did not hinder the utter peace glowing on the man's face.

Levi wanted to spit on it. He stared angrily at the long-ago Messiah. He performed many miracles only for the benefit of others, and in the end, took his own life to save those on Earth. "How pathetic," Levi rasped aloud. "You would throw yourself away to save those who slandered your name and gave no thanks. And now look at where we are today." Levi held his arms up and motioned to the surrounding city. After a few seconds of silence, the Captain let his arms fall to his sides with a short laugh. "I was never a religious man, and yet you and I seem to have a lot in common."

Levi ran a hand through his short, black hair and sighed. The emptiness of the room only intensified his speech as it echoed freely off the walls. Candles sat on a wooden table at the left and right walls, some used up more than others with the Mass ceremonies held in the church. Papers with excerpts of the Bible sat on the stone alter, as if someone was about to read from them.

Levi snorted. "Here we are, worshiping you – a myth, a ghost, a _joke – _as if you'll suddenly decide humanity has suffered enough and make the all the titans vanish with that fleeting magic of yours." The Captain's slurred words teetered on the edge of shouting. "Humanity is unfair, just like it was in your time. Your actions have changed nothing!" The top-ranked soldier's once cool demeanor slowly collapsed under the weight of his own words. "This world is a cruel place," he muttered. "Cruel… and _beautiful_."

Levi looked down at the dirty, unclean floor, sadness washing over his features, and then slammed his hands down onto the alter. "I was never a selfish man," he proclaimed suddenly, "I did everything I could for humanity to live on. I've sacrificed countless lives in order to protect others. My men died fighting for what they believed was right and I never once interfered with their courage! But this…" The room grew quiet as the Captain hung his head in shame. "This, I cannot allow." Levi's short locks fell over his bloodshot eyes, hands still planted on the alter in front of his form. He rested his forehead on that stone slab and whispered, "I will be a selfish man."

Snapping his head up, he pointed an accusing finger at that enormous picture. "Give her back!" Levi's demand reverberated violently off the cold walls. "Why did she have to die? I was in charge of that squad, so shouldn't I be the one forced to pay the ultimate price?" He slammed his fists onto the alter. "Damn it, it's not fair!"

The picture on the wall sat unmoving, smiling, and glowing with peace. It said nothing in response.

Flashbacks from earlier that day came rushing to Levi's mind just then, assaulting his psyche. In order to save the rest of the team, the dead bodies, including Petra's, had to be thrown from the carriage. The image of her bloodied, but beautiful, form hitting the ground and rolling away haunted the Captain's mind. He clenched his head between his hands as he wore a pained expression; eyes shut tight and a teeth bared.

He couldn't even keep the patch from her uniform.

Levi glared at the portrait once more. "What a hateful God you are. Do you get enjoyment out of watching people suffer? Did you become so bored you had to resort to this disgraceful game of cat and mouse?" Levi swallowed the growing lump in his throat. "She never… did anything wrong. She fought according to my commands, and she died." He closed his dark eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. "I will be a selfish man right now and ask you, All Mighty One, why did she have to die, out of everyone?"

Memories of that small, dainty, powerful woman filled his head. Never again would Levi see Petra's smiling face. Feel Petra's calming aura. Touch Petra's soft hands. He would never be able to hear her song-like voice. She died so suddenly, and he missed it.

Their time spent together seemed so short. Because he didn't protect her.

He was the squad's leader, therefore, it was all his fault.

Levi fell to his knees, laying his limp hands in his lap. "I take it back. We are nothing alike after all. Just please, give her back to me…" he trailed off as he lifted his head to gaze at that smiling, peaceful face of the Messiah. Tears from long-suppressed pain leaked down his cheeks and fell from his jaw. They soaked into his dirty, stained, uniform.

A white envelope slipped from his pocket and glided to the floor. It went unnoticed by the broken man, whose desperate pleas fell on deaf ears.

It wasn't until morning when another body entered that church. An older man wearing dark clothes opened those same wooden double doors so he could start preparing for the day's sermons. He was startled at first to find another human residing inside his temple, and after rushing to the man's aid, soon discovered not only was he of the Survey Corps., but was also just sleeping, thankfully uninjured. The older gentleman crouched down to the young man who was laying against the side of the sacred alter. The man reeked of stale alcohol, and had tear stains drawing lines down his face.

The pastor pitied the man. And just as he was about to wake the slumbering guest, the older man saw the white envelope on the floor.

Curiosity encouraged him to read the letter inside. He skimmed over the girly handwriting of the letter addressed to "Father."

The words at the end stuck out the most to the pastor_. "A young girl once told me this world is cruel. Cruel and beautiful. And I want to live in it with him, Father."_

The pastor gazed down upon the sleeping man's face, a sorrowful look in his light-green eyes. He bowed his head, laid the paper with the loving words onto the Captain's lap, and drew a cross in the air.

"Carry this man," the pastor implored as he finished drawing the holy cross above Levi's head. The rays peeking through the stain glass windows cast red and blue shadows over the soldiers form, covering him in a warmth almost akin to a consoling embrace. "Carry this man home."


End file.
